Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Pilot Review: Most Eligible Dallas

Most Eligible: Dallas (Mondays at 10:00 on Bravo)

Well, they've managed to do it. Bravo has somehow scoured the dregs of the earth (AKA, Texas) and mustered up a cast of characters for its latest reality outing that are more insufferable than anyone on any Jersey television show.

Glenn, an NFL player waiting out the lockout in Dallas before transferring teams for (literally) the tenth time, is Bravo's answer to The Situation. He introduces himself by saying that he thinks about sex 24/7, going so far as to admit he can't even watch Family Feud because oftentimes the daughters on the family panels give him wood. He spends the majority of his screen time shirtless and looking for work in a gym or posing in front of a camera. Seriously.

Drew is the show's biggest dick, a formerly obese gay man who got a gastric bypass and now sells cars at his family dealership and lives in a hotel. He takes pride in not being "a stereotypical gay man" because he knows the difference between a Ferrari and a Porsche, but he fits the mold as the show's biggest bitch (quite a feat considering some of the women I have yet to get to). He chain smokes an electronic cigarette throughout his confessional interviews and feeds his dog french fries. Oh, and he injects himself daily with female hormones as a way to lose weight. Yeah, total dick.

Tara is the woman you think of when you think "Dallas:" big blonde hair, big boobs, too much makeup, and utterly clueless. She routinely walks into the local dog pound and picks up three or four new pets to take home; she calls this a "charity." She then feeds the dogs sweet potatoes and chicken off of her Westwood china. Tara also wants us to know that she lives two blocks from George Bush and thinks al Qaeida may be close by as well (yes, I'm completely serious). She's all about "Southern values," and therefore has strong (negative) opinions of single mother Neill, another cast member we don't get to know too well just yet.

Then there are Courtney and Matt, seemingly the main focus of the show. They apparently have a long history as friends, yet there's a ton of sexual tension between them. But Matt is too much of a player for Courtney (at one point he actually says, "I consider myself the total package.), whose checklist of what she's looking for in a man includes a globe in his office given to him by his mentor and a dog with a really manly name like Duke or Butch. She's a total drama queen and the most interesting character of the bunch; her mouth moves as fast as her brain, which will be great for the drama that will undoubtedly unfold.

So now that you know who Most Eligible: Dallas stars, you can make your own decision about whether or not to commit an hour of your life to watching it. Basically the only reason I'll watch it again is to feel superior to all of these ridiculous messes. I can't help but wonder if that was the point, to make Bravo's audience (typically upscale and educated) feel like they're better than these people... which they almost definitely are.

But aside from the fact that the characters are ridiculous, there is no discernible plotline. Judging by the title, I'm assuming the show will follow these people as they search for romance in Dallas, but there wasn't much of an inkling of that in the first episode. It was just setting up these strong personalities. But the setup looks nice; the production values are slick, no matter how cloying the people they're making look good are.


  1. I have relatives in Texas, so I resent that comment.

  2. Blame Bravo, not me. I didn't go in search of the biggest douchebags on the planet and end up in Dallas; Bravo did.